The roadblocks can be the hardest things to study deeply in my journey to becoming who I wish to be instead of how others expect me to be. I know I have seen roadblocks as outside forces that stop us from moving forward, which is a common occurrence. This particular week is looking at those internal and external roadblocks that keep us from reaching for what we want. 

For example, I am currently changing my legal name and starting school. I want to eventually work one-on-one to help the healing process. I plan to do this with Health & Wellness Coaching, Herbalism and start moving to become the person I know I am becoming. 

Faelyn is my chosen name, and it has been for over ten years now – and honestly, it is crazy that I have been going by the same thing since I was 20, and I don’t want to change it. 

I had relapsed for three months a few years back because I felt divided into two worlds – my work & family versus everyone that truly knows me. I asked everyone to call me Jessica, and I was experimenting with who I was at a time in my life where my identity was fragile. It was a rough moment in my life, but it confirmed that I wasn’t this ‘Jessica‘ and I could be and had to be Faelyn for myself.

Tested and proven that it helps set my mindset and works best for me, you’d think I would’ve done it by now. There is one person that I haven’t even told because I know that their heart would break. My mom is very proud of my legal birth name, even if I no longer wish to carry it. She has been so passionate about it in the past that the idea of telling her puts knots in my belly because I know she would fight me on it. So I hide this part of me whenever I visit her – but it seems horrific to have to consider waiting for someone to pass away to be who you are. 

I don’t want to live that way.

So I printed out all of the forms; they are right here in front of me but putting pen to paper is nerve-racking. Because I worry about Mom finding out, I’m worried there will be a fight before she goes, even though I want to move forward and just be me.

So is it Mom holding me back? I know that it could be perceived that way. I don’t want to upset her while her health is declined or make hard work of closing a rift between us disappear for my selfishness. But am I being selfish to be who I want to be? I’ve always been told not to be too weird, too loud, too energetic, too me by the same narcissistic person that will get hurt if I change MY name – now I want to be all of those things. It all comes down to wanting to be me, not who she wants me to be, or who any of my exes think I am, just me. 

I get to decide who I am. 

And I don’t like my name, so it’s going to change. Now, if I can get those next scary steps down and have the ball rolling – I think that would make the rest more manageable because of the momentum of that first step. 

“You must take the first step. The first steps will take some effort, maybe pain. But after that, everything that has to be done is real-life movement.”

Ben Stein

Smart man.

But all of this leads to what is genuinely my roadblock? 

My mother? 

No.

It’s me. I am my own roadblock; my mother might have conditioned and trained me to want to please her and everyone around me. I have always stridden to be the ‘good girl’ because it’s harder to piss people off that way. I worry about other people so much that I don’t see my own behavior sometimes. These are my roadblocks.

I care too much about:

  • Other’s thoughts
  • The meaning behind other’s actions
  • How I am perceived

I have never given “no f*cks.” 

Don’t get me wrong, I have other external roadblocks like these two huge ones:

  • Time since I am a busy mom who works a full-time job, freelancing, artist, and running a house. 
  • Energy levels are up and down due to histamine intolerance. And my journey to learning what’s best for my body.

Even some of the external roadblocks will lessen when I put myself first.

I need to start by taking care of my body, energy, and emotional needs and doing what I want to do for myself. The name change is a huge signifier of becoming myself and not who she expects of me.

This is the goal. I will be me.

<3 Faelyn Fox